A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
