Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
