Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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