I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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