So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize