i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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