I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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