Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
