forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize