She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
