Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
