just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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