Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
