in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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