I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
