She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
