would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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