Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
