Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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