I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
