Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
