hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
