Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
