when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
