today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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