Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Two words: nipple clamps
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