Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
