Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
