Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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