I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
