i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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