Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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