Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
