well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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