Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
