My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
