I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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