drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I AM VODKA MAN
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
