never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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