I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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