We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
the raccoons are back...
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