Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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