I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
