I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
