Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My vagina just clenched in fear
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I party with great urgency now.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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