i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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