If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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