It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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