What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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