oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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