i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
