so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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