I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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