Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
