Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
