Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
