I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
