i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
