I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
