I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
