i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
