My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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