I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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