we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
