Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
A+ Viking dick
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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