non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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