toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
