im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ketchup is God's man juice
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
