i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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