Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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